Bad news

Last October I got some bad news. Three days before my 40th birthday I was going for my yearly mammogram.  A little early for most women but I had a history of cancer so I was used to having screenings of all sorts.  I had been doing it since I was in my 20s so this yearly appointment wasn't very stressful for me.  I didn't even really stress when sometimes I was told that I should come back at 6 months for another ultrasound. I had been through this so many times that I never worried.  "Don't worry until there's a reason to worry" is advice I would give friends often and in regards to my health it was advice I followed pretty well.  So Oct. 17th I had my usual mammogram and waited to see the doctor.  She came, examined me and said that they wanted to do an ultrasound to get a better look at something. I had been through this before so I wasn't that concerned.  Weirdly though I had a brief thought- one of these days this second look might not be nothing.  I quickly pushed that thought aside and went for my ultrasound.  The ultrasound technicians couldn't see the spots that were on my mammogram-At least not well enough for them to dismiss me and tell me to come back next year. This was different but I was still not worried.  I was scheduled for a biopsy the very next day.  I'm a teacher and subs are hard to come by so I hesitated at first but took the appointment and found a way to make it. 

For the biopsy I was made to lie down on a table on my stomach.  A whole was in the table where my breast was to go.  Before the biopsy they take xrays to find the right spot they want to biopsy. The whole thing feels a bit strange but especially since the way the table was positioned and it being my right breast my head ended up facing the wall so I couldn't see anything.  Just hear people walking around and feeling their hands on me to position me correctly.  When they were satisfied with the position my breast was frozen and they started with the biopsy. It wasn't painful.  You are numbed so the only thing you really feel is the first needle prick of the freezing agent but then it's just pressure and some loud vacuum like noises.  I can't remember exactly how long it all lasted but probably less than an hour.  Once done I was bandaged up and told not to lift anything for 5 days.  I had an 18 month at home so that was going to be a bit of a problem but at least the worst was done.  Even at this point I was still not worried.  They said that I should receive the results within 5 working days.  That was good enough for me. I left without worrying too much but also wanting the results just so I could put this behind me.

The week after I received a phone call.  It was my breast surgeon's nurse saying the results were in but that the doctor was away so the next possible appointment to get my results were in 2 weeks.  I was upset.  I  was told that results would be in 5 days and now it would be more than 2 weeks!

On November 4th I went back up to the 6th floor of the hospital to get the results.  I didn't ask my husband to come with me because truthfully I wasn't scared.  I was expecting to hear the biopsy was inconclusive and I should come back in 6 months just as a precaution. That's not what happened.

The doctor came in with her nurse and said they found some cancer.  There were 2 kinds one was ductal carcinoma in situ but what she was really worried about was that they also found invasive lobular carcinoma.  Truthfully I was not expecting this news and when i heard invasive I thought it meant aggressive.  I started to cry.  I have children, I have a husband, I have students... so many things.  Was I about to die?  I could hear what she was saying but not all of it was processing.  From what I could make out I needed surgery -soon.  She said that she wanted to remove my right breast and since the cancer was close to my nipple she would also recommend removing my nipple.  That bothered me the most for some reason.  She also mentioned how it might also be wise to remove the other breast but that she didn't want to do both at once.  Within 10 minutes I went from casually walking into the drs office expecting another inconclusive result to agreeing to remove my breast and nipple and signing a consent form for surgery.  My instructions were to go home and wait for a call for an MRI and an appointment with a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction.  I  had breast cancer.